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This will be short since I have stuff to do, and have more energy.

Basically I think I worked through a lot, in fact most, of my grief over the past two weekends. I processed intellectually and emotionally that this will be the first time ever that both Jack and my mother will be passed on. For over 20 years, I had his birthday to celebrate along with her remembrance, and that was bittersweet. Now, it's slightly more bitter than sweet that both are gone, but I have good memories of both Jack and my mother, so I choose to focus on the positive.

I'm not dreading the memorial dinner. I must admit I'll be glad when it's over, but it is a celebration of life, among the living, and that's important. I remember all this summer, feeling so torn between living in between Dying World and Living Land. Now that I've come through the other side, I have a renewed appreciation for living among the living. Furthermore, I want to be around those who are truly living their lives, not just existing.

Last night I sorted for several hours, and am within spitting distance of sorting all the documents for taxes. It's been one of the biggest chores I have ever done. Thank goodness I am persistent and determined; without both of those qualities, this would never have gotten done. At this point, it's more pleasing to me to have a neater house than it is to get something done that has needed to get done! I was just so TIRED of seeing all the bags, and secondarily knowing that it was unsorted, cluttered, and disorganized. Making it all organized and neat, in accordion folders, has done wonders for my mood. Maybe the disorganized clutter among the bags was also weighing me down, along with grief. Very possibly.

As I wrote on Facebook, it's been an amazingly productive week. I've gotten Jack's pension notarized and mailed off, along with a request for a duplicate/lost car title, so that my school secretary can buy his car. I've gotten information on where to go to get a medallion signature for his large, six-figure retirement fund. I'll meet this Wednesday (off for Yom Kippur) with my own financial representative, go over my accounts as we do yearly, and change beneficiaries, something I need to do on other accounts. And on Wednesday I'll go downtown to get the medallion signature and then send off the paperwork for his large retirement fund.

I'll also notify another financial institution of his passing. Fortunately one of the things I found while sorting through all the papers was a typed list of his accounts and passwords -- hallelujah! Most were places to order merchandise from, so I'm not at all concerned about closing those accounts. I figure if he simply doesn't order from them for a few years, they'll drop him, and I won't have to do anything.

There were a few financial organizations on the list, and I feel so lucky to have found this list of places and passwords. I need to go online on our bank's website as him (ie, login with his name and password) and see what's still being paid from his account, and contact those places (I don't think there are many), notify them of his death, and put things in my name. I'm still taking bids from contractors for renovating this place. And I'm beginning to pack up my house to move. The place I'm moving to is a mile or a mile and a half from school, and I can once again WALK to and from school! That will be such a joy.

It'll also be a joy to have a place, even just for five years, that's mine and mine alone. Everywhere I turn in this condo, I see ghosts of the past, my and Jack's life together for the past 17 years. It was a great ride, full of joy, and eminently worth it to be married to him, even going in knowing that since he was older, he would probably pre-decease me. We were soulmates. I know we had a really good, really happy, really satisfying friendship and marriage. I would not change a thing, except wish that he had taken care of his depression, so he could have taken better care of his body.

So that's where I am right now. This weekend is better, and I'm glad. I'm looking forward to seeing all his and our friends, from all walks of life, gathered together to share a really good meal, and remember good times. Jack's life blessed so many people, but that's a post for another time.

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