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tonight or tomorrow

Tonight or tomorrow, he dies.

I know he has to die. I know he cannot continue as he is. He cannot, could not, will not ever get better. Cancer made sure of that, cancer that bloomed black and ugly, cancer that spread. And there were heart issues, and bowel issues. So many body issues that were already cascading and building even before his retirement in 2008.

And after he retired, he came home and sat down and never really got up. His body wouldn't let him. And even before that, he began to die when his parents died. I knew then it hit him hard; only now do I see how hard. I can only hope they come to get him as he crosses over.

I know he said yesterday, in a strong voice, "I want to die". Our friend kept trying, right up until the end, to get him to eat and drink. I know she did it in love, not knowing what else to do, what else to offer.

I would like very very much to have a shared death experience. I would like for him to tell me he is okay, happy, healthy, not in pain. I don't need it, but I want it, and I want it very much. But just to see his earthly body suffer no longer is enough. That I can see, touch, and experience. Spiritually, if I'm granted a vision, I will treasure it.

No sleep tonight. S-- and I are holding vigil. There is a hospice nurse here now until the end. Soon, I pray. One way of life is at its end, and a new way is opening up before me. As of yet, I can see only bare outlines.

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